Heya mom it's Paul From the campus across town Good to see you momma, how've you been? Things have been OK for me except that I'm vegetarian now I'll explain it once again I think I speak for omnivores when I say that you should try it I know you and Dad might hesitate to approve of my new diet But I think it's really neat To cut out all the meat... products All I want to do is eat your grains I'm not unreasonable -- I never turn down french fries* *[assuming they were cooked in non-GMO, non-hydrogenated vegetable oil, of course, preferably peanut oil; I'm not a savage!] All I want to do is eat your grains It's time for dinner soon [In retrospect that line should have read "it's almost dinnertime" -- oops... too late now] Maybe we can compromise If you'll open the pantry door I'll just reach inside and get your grains! I don't want to nitpick, Mom, but is this really your plan? To spend your life with high cholesterol? Maybe that's OK for now, but someday you'll be out of Lipitor But you're the one to make the call I'm not surprised to see you haven't stocked up on soy milk You never had a taste for tofu, tempeh, or their ilk But Mom, that's what I do -- and I'll make stir fry for you... quickly (CHORUS) I'd like to feed you Mom, in any way I can I sure appreciate the way you're cooking with me I'm not a vegan, mom -- well, technically I am Please, no more ham! (SOLO) Heading back to college, Mom Now it's time to pack things up Thanks for washing all my clothes for free Keep the ten pound bag of brown rice waiting with the soy sauce and dried beans Try the lemon zinger tea I'm glad you ate the lentils and loaned me your garlic press I'm leaving you my Beano for intestinal distress I'll load up the Subaru and I'll take my leave of you... singing (CHORUS)

I had a dream last night In which everything wrong in my life went right And much to my surprise It was a quick transition It played out so vividly That's it's hard to describe what it did to me Suffice to say I took it As a premonition Today's the day I get a move on Today's the day I change Today's the day that I improve on Who I am and everything I do: Today's the day that I break up with you Just stop and think about All the times I gave in so that we'd work out If you look at the score I think I tip the balance But you prob'ly think that's great 'Cause you take and you drain and manipulate I guess every succubus Is gonna have those talents Today's the day that I get angry Today's the day I fight Today's the day that I harangue The telling-off that's way past overdue: Today's the day that I break up with you Don't look at me like that With your cute pouting lips and your big, sad eyes You're pretty, but you're pretty much a bitch It's time for you to see That the world is the world universally And nowhere does it say That you can run my planet So you take our history And your need for control and co-misery And brace yourself real good Then go ahead and cram it Today's the day that I'm the victor Today's the day I win Today's the day I do your sister Here's a toast to starting life anew: Today's the day that I wake up It's time to say I've had enough Today's the day that I break up with you

I can see just where you’re coming from Our private times are becoming hum-drum I think it would be fantastic Another to love makes me enthusiastic Just one thing about it I’d like to change -- Hear me out, it isn’t really so strange I can easily love one more But dear, just to be fair -- More than two Is what I wanna do Just not the way That you say, it’s okay dear I’d like to play, have a roll in the hay But with me and you And a he that is new We’d have more fun if we’d run with a he for two! You’ve so many friends that I’d love to know Bob’s kind of cute, and so is your buddy Joe It makes sense dear and I am willing -- A sandwich cookie with me as the filling Don’t be jealous that I’d like it this way And one more man wouldn’t mean that you’re gay I’ve more than one port for a joystick It’s really logical -- More than two Is what I wanna do Just not the way That you say, it’s okay dear I’d like to play, have a roll in the hay But with me and you And a he that is new We’d have more fun if we’d run with a he for two! Fonzie and Potsie and Mrs C Rachels with Chandler and also Joey Hot lips and Hawkeye and Trapper John Uhura, Kirk and Spock just keep flying on Natasha and Boris with Bullwinkle J. Minnie and Mickey and Donald will play They all knew the beauty of more than two